Ye Olde Battle Royale

Original Name:

Random Battle Royale

Thread Creator:

Daniel Nguyen (cobalt_Metroid)

Pages (canonical):


Posts (canonical):


Participating writers:

Characters, in order of appearance:

Originally called Random Battle Royale on the forum, Ye Olde Battle Royale is the first chapter of The Epic Saga


The Battle was originally supposed to be nothing more than a spam battle, with each user writing death upon his foes. As such, the first portion of the battle involves random forms of violence inflicted on other users' characters, and is of little consequence.
Despite its overwhelming pointlessness, it is in this thread that most of the characters of the B-Team make their debut. The first character is, of course, the Cobalt Ninja, who comes in with a swing from his rubber chicken (BR:1:1). (While he is never referred to directly as having this name, the title is given to him in the first post of the Epic Quest (EQ:1:1)). Second to bat is King Enishi Yukishiro, who, after being crushed by a tank, proceeds to destroy that tank with his rocket launcher {BR:1:4). Jacen Solo is next to arrive, who destroys the King's rocket launcher with a slingshot. (BR:1:5)
After some quarreling involving zombification, Raynor Jayce Zeraph flies in at 180 mph in some kind of vehicle, the machine guns lining the windows shooting at all of the opponents present. It is at this point that the X-Parasite subplot enters: after spinning out and dying, an X flies out of Raynor's body and rematerializes into another iteration of himself, the RZX. (BR:1:13)
The Baker is next to appear, who flings a batch of ChozoMufins at every enemy present, de-zombifying them all and then killing them. (Death is a transient concept in this particular chapter of the Saga, and should largely be disregarded.) (BR:1:15)
JIBJIB the GREAT (an author) posts for the first time here. He had no set character, but made use of both North Korea and Chuck Norris to inflict nuclear and kickular pain on his enemies. (BR:1:17)
All this time, Jacen Solo has been getting increasingly more godlike, and has gone through several versions of all-powerful vessels (including the Death Star and his Sun Crusher.) To combat this, the RZX (who is considered from this point on as Raynor himself, and presumably, stays that way throughout the rest of the Saga) infects Jacen, stealing his genetic code, and turns into a Ninja Pirate. (BR:2:4) It is at this point that Samus Aran enters the plot, being used by Jacen to attempt to destroy the X (BR:2:5). The X then multiply, turning into various Metroid bosses, and virtually take over the galaxy for a while. (BR:2:7, a FANTASTIC read.) A three-month battle between the entirety of the X and the Suncrusher then takes place (BR:2:8-12), being ended by the Baker; he detonates an Original Flavor Blueberry ChozoMufin, destroying most everything (BR:2:13). However, Jacen and his Sun Crusher, the MufinMan, and Samus survive, and leave the area.
It is at this point that the plot, for the most part, disintegrates. The explosion of the solar system was said by boymonkey130 to all be in a movie, in which the characters all still live (BR:2:14). At this point (in the movie), all the X are dead. Space Pirates destroy the Sun Crusher, and Sean Connery kidnaps the Baker. This is where the Baker and Samus first meet: Samus swoops in to save the MufinMan from Sean, and has her first romantic inklings of him. However, she realizes she can't afford an emotional relationship, and so attempts to kill him. (BR:2:16).
The Baker feigns death (see Banana-Nut ChozoMufin), and hijacks her ship with her still in it, presumably sleeping (his first Delivery van ship had been destroyed at this point). After crashing in space, he desperately attempts to keep Samus alive in the vacuum of space, and it is at this point that they fall out of the movie screen and into the real (Epic Quest) world. NOTE: This is where The Five Lost Chapters take place, which is essentially an insert in this point of time. Samus had been to ashamed to have her life saved by someone else, and had run away (BR2:8:14). They both entered the Second Battle Royale, which took place in some unknown battlefield at some unknown time shortly after the events of the Movie. After the completion of the Five Chapters, they ride off into the sunset. (BR:2:20) (At this point they are officially married).
Now definitively in the real world, Raynor (called in the post as "the unnamed man") transitions out of the movie dimension through a bizarrely spectacular CG sequence, and attempts to duel the Baker and Samus. After an unrevealed sequence of actions, they unite, forming the first group resembling the B-Team. (BR:3:2) Jacen, also, somehow schemes his way into the real world.
Raynor then heralds the destruction of the Town, which is overrun by Glumlings and destroyed.